How to Make the National News

Making the national news is easy if you are a drug addicted movie star, shady politician, sports spectacular, or a suicide bomber. It’s more difficult for the “guy next door” to see his name in print or google himself unless he does something truly newsworthy or …incredibly stupid. Ninety-nine percent of the time, he chooses the latter which is fine with me. Reading about the sexual preferences of golfers, the ponzi scammers, religious fanatics, and wacko world leaders gets tedious in time. Give me a detailed news story of a person doing something stupid enough to catch a headline and I’m as happy as a fly in an outhouse. Some of these adventurers are truly creative in their quest for notoriety. Some of the yahoos suffer physical injuries and/or battered egos so we should appreciate their endeavors. They add levity to life while we are engaged in the serious businesses of making a living, raising children, caring for elderly parents, or slugging our way through job interviews or university classes. I for one say, “thank you” to all the dumb people in the world that have made the national news, and issue a call to others like them to emerge from the shadows and grab their moment in the sun. I raise my wine glass to the likes of the “Balloon Boy” couple and the idiots below.

A man in Mass. stuffed 75 bottles of body lotion down his pants at a Bath and Body Works. Mall Security chased the thief (good thing he could barely run if those mall guys are in the physical shape ours are). The B&B bandit couldn’t bend over to get into the police cruiser until some of his booty was removed. I guess the incessant itching of winter-dry skin will make a normal man do most anything! I wish there would have been more details reported because my mind is flashing some really gross images.

It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote, "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. *(taken from a source that likes nitwits, too) I can understand how this guy would follow the teller’s instructions. Have you ever tried to cash a check at a bank where you didn’t have an account? It’s nearly impossible. Now we know not to try to rob a bank with our note written on the wrong deposit slip.


*When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. You gotta love this guy! He hates to leave a job undone. Hopefully, the intended victim seized the moment and fled.



*A 62-year-old man was hospitalized after strapping a homemade rocket to his back wile sled riding. The rocket was a combination of gunpowder, match heads, and gasoline stuffed in a motorcycle muffler. It exploded during a downhill ride at a party he was hosting. The geezer always does something outrageous at his annual sledding gala. Authorities believe alcohol played a role in the accident. Really? Why would anyone consider that possibility? I’m going to sneak into this festivity next year (should be as easy as getting into the White House) because it appears to be a blast.



*A German reptile collector has been jailed for 14 weeks and must pay a 5,000 New Zealand dollar ($3,540) fine for plundering New Zealand's wild gecko and skink populations. The smuggler was caught by wildlife officials as he was about to board an overseas flight with 44 geckos and skinks in a hand-sewn package concealed in his underwear. The article didn’t answer the most pressing question….boxers or briefs? This guy had to have shimmied and shook through the security checkpoint with all those little creatures tucked so close to his privates. I hope they were well-fed before they were stashed in his tidy-whities.


*There's a man in the UK going around sniffing people's behinds. He trolls the supermarket, looking for candidates (or "victims") while they shop. Then, when they reach for the peanut butter, he casually drops down for a sniff and continues on his way. There is surveillance footage of the man, but his identity is unknown. The only description available is that he's "white, clean-shaven, and of medium to large build." Perhaps they should add that his height varies, depending on the height of the butt he's sniffing. This sniffer might be on to something here. Many people I know say they always get stomach gas at the supermarket. The idea is to pass it in one aisle then hurry to another before someone behind you walks into the noxious stench. My brothers used to do this all the time much to my mother’s dismay (she was usually the victim). Maybe this “bloodhound” is just trying to identify the originator of the rank cloud he strolled through in the previous aisle.

You’ve probably noticed that all the stupid people above were men. I didn’t plan it that way. It seems that the majority of news items are about idiot men (go figure!). So as not to be labeled a sexist, here’s one for the girls:

Grocery store cameras caught a woman taking a 24-can case of beer from a cooler, positioning the 20-pound case between her thighs under her housedress, and waddling out of the store. It took a while to identify and find her. Top that feat, fellas! I could never do this…there’s no daylight between my thighs. I wonder what weight training this gal did to get muscles strong enough to hold a chilling 20 pounds. It took a while to find her because the authorities kept watching the camera tape over and over in awe. I'd suggest she switch to drinking wine.