Things I Would Like

I'm feeling prickly today so I'm going to write about some things I would like to have invented to take the place of their less than satisfactory predecessors.

1. Gum and gum wrappers that dissolve when they come in contact with laundry detergent.

2. Socks with a sewn-in GP system that allows them to find their mates and unite (magnetically, perhaps) in the dryer. Maybe later this feature could be made to work when the socks are under beds and/or inside pant legs.

3. Nail polish that completely dries in 5 minutes (all layers), lasts for longer that 3 days, and never sticks to the skin so messy painters (like me) can give themselves professional looking nails jobs.

4. A canister vacuum that "senses" when you are near and rolls out of the way so you don't fall over it. I think mine sneaks up behind me when I'm not looking. I wonder how many vacuum victims have be treated for injuries sustained while sweeping? And how about having an iRobot® to clean carpeted stairways?

5. A passenger car seat that flips back like a living room recliner, complete with footrest. I'm a terrible rider, but I think long trips wouldn't be so bad if they could be made in comfort.

6. A gas pump monitor that detects the driver who leaves his car parked at the pump while he shops in the convenience store. Those morons who order their MTO sandwiches, fuss over making to-go coffee, use the restroom, or any other time consuming acts should be identified for the people waiting in line for gas. A public announcement such as, "Will the inconsiderate man, who left the Dodge Dart parked at pump 3, move it immediately or be subject to the ire of the waiting motorists." I think threats and public humiliation are in order.

7. A perfect pair of panties. I would like a style that flattens the tummy; lifts the butt; doesn't roll at the waistband; is wedgie proof; lasts through hundreds of washings without fading, stretching, losing elasticity, or coming apart at the seams; is inexpensive; and, last but not least, is sexy. Have I missed any feature necessary to earn the rating of "perfect?"

8. A laser beam that would incinerate insects and spiders (webs, too) when they were shot with it, but not damage surrounding materials. Flyswatters are useless at a distance and these home invaders have become swatter-resistant over the years. I suck spiders up in the vac, but it sure would be more fun to zap them. Housework definitely needs some levity.


Golfing and Stuff

I apologize to my readers for not posting more frequently, but I'm working on lowering my golf handicap. I know a few guys I want to best, and I want to continue winning money in the swats we have at the club. Nothing is more satisfying than taking money from men during a game that has traditionally been considered a male-dominated sport.

I've also been working with an elderly man that got involved in one of those Internet "make money while you sleep" deals. He paid me to get him signed up as a program affiliate against my protests that his chances of making "easy" money are slim to none. Nevertheless, I have spent countless unreimbursed hours trying to help the man recoup his initial investment and my compensation because I would want someone to do the same if it were my father.