My New Diet Plan

I have 30 pounds I'd like to lose so I've devised an ingenious plan to shed them. There are some ground rules I've laid for myself. First, I will not use appetite suppressors or fat burners, etc. I put enough chemicals into my body just ingesting my daily meds.

Second, I will not exercise. I believe that exercise is detrimental. For example, my neighbor used to walk every day. One morning she tramped into a pothole, fell, and broke her leg. She also had to wield a big stick to fend off aggressive dogs.

My friend, Bill, is the CEO of the local YMCA. He worked out daily until he needed four stents put into his heart. If the CEO of a "Y" can't stay healthy by exercising, I suspect there is some flawed logic behind the hype of daily physical exertion. Is exercise worth the risk involved? I think not.

I've tried various cardio and aerobic routines and haven't found any that suit me, I used to weight train, but a gym full of ripped, half-naked men grunting and groaning created an environment that was far too sexually charged for me so I quit. Besides, inviting muscle strains, sprains, and pulls isn't my idea of a good time.

A treadmill was my next try. However, if I'm going to expend that much energy walking for 45 minutes, I want changes of scenery and a Dairy Queen at the end of the trail. I need immediate gratification.

Step-aerobics was a consideration, but with my lack of coordination, I nixed the idea. I fall up stairs so the idea of trying to get up and down on a little box to the beat of music seemed somewhat foolhardy.

When land exercising wasn't for me, I took to the water - water walking and aerobics. The drawback was that I hate being wet. I believe the feeling is a manifestation of a post traumatic stress disorder stemming from a bad, in-utero experience.

Don't get me wrong. I do get exercise when golfing. I walk onto the greens on all 18 holes because I'm not allowed to drive the riding cart on them. I've worked up a sweat many times, too. Usually, when I'm running low on money and a slot machine hasn't hit a jackpot to give me more playing time.

Since pills, herbs, and exercise aren't part of the blueprint to a skinnier me, I plan to eat and drink my way to a size 6. Not every diet is right for every person so I'm going to try several. And since diets only work for me during the initial period, I'm going to switch often. Ingenious, right?

First, I'm going with the Fruit Flush plan. Day 1 starts with high protein shakes to trick my body into burning its own fat for energy. Days 2 and 3 are the cleansing phase where I'll eat seasonal fruit every two hours. For dinner I'll have a protein smoothie, 6 cups of raw-veggie salad and 1/2 an avocado. It's estimated that I'll lose 10 pounds over the three days. That's 1/3 of my goal! I'll probably add several handfuls of Jelly Belly jelly beans for good measure because they contain the filling, fat-flushing fiber pectin.

Day 4 I'll begin the Ice Cream Diet. I'm sure this will be my favorite. If a body doesn't get enough calcium, fat cells are triggered to store more fat. To stop those rascals from multiplying, I'll have to eat ice cream every day for three days. Reduced calorie choices, of course. There was some fine print connected with this regiment, but I couldn't read it due to it's small size. The info must not have been that important or the publisher would have used larger type. I suspect some of you are a little skeptical of this plan, but rest assured that I'll be drinking plenty of Wu Yi tea with my rocky-road ice cream. Wu Yi is a 400-year-old Chinese weight loss solution! The ice cream and tea combination should produce a net loss of 10 pounds. That's a conservative guess based on research, but I could probably lose more if I doubled the ice cream servings.

O.K. 20 pounds lost in 6 days. Time to switch to the Blood Type Diet. Dr. Peter J. Adamo states that we should look at our blood type to determine which foods we should be eating. His premise is that a person (that's me) with type A blood had ancestors that were farmers, therefore I should be vegetarian and avoid meat and dairy products. For weight loss, I should also shun kidney and lima beans and wheat. Soy foods and pineapple will be my staples and there is no portion control. Mmmmm. I'll lose 9 pound in 11 days.

I'll only have 1 pound more to lose after 17 days, but I'm going with the Moon Diet as a chaser. I must begin the diet at a specific time when the moon enters a new phase. Within the next 24 hours I'll only drink water and juice (freshly squeezed). I'll be shooting for 6-8 pints of liquid to trickle through my body. Simply, the gravity of the moon not only influences the oceans and rivers, but it makes your body let go of its excess fluids. I guess this is when I surrender all those cups of Wu Yi tea. One day sheds 6 pounds so my 30 pound goal is met with flab to spare in only 18 days. Since the moon cycle changes once weekly, if I practice this diet every week, I can lose 24 pounds a month!

There is a slight chance that I may not lose the weight I want, but all is not lost. My belly fat can be of scientific value to the world. Really! Fat burns quicker and hotter than meat (muscle). Throw a fatty steak on a hot grill to test that theory. So, when I'm cremated my fatty body will burn quicker and hotter using less of the fossil fuel to heat the oven. The less fossil fuel burned translates to fewer greenhouse gases produced that rise into the atmosphere. Fewer gasses means less global warming. Keeping my fat benefits the world!

The Dogs Locked Us Out!

Traveling with three dogs is much like traveling with children. We have the one that gets motion sickness and has to be medicated. We have one that insists on having a window seat, and one that won't calm down and enjoy the ride until we are miles from home. Unlike children, though, our dogs can be left in a motel room while we relax in a restaurant.

On a recent trip, my husband unlocked the motel room door after we returned from dinner. As he pushed it open, the swing bar door guard engaged with a sickening "whap." "The dogs locked us out," Hank said along with a few obscenities. I'm stunned into imaging how three lap dogs could manage to swing a bar that's almost five feet off the floor. Did they erect a canine column by standing on hind legs on each others' shoulders? Top dog flips the guard bar as payback for being left behind?

"Max probably did it by jumping off the back of the chair, " Hank said. Max, a wire-haired dachshund, is mischievous and resourceful, but surely flying is beyond his abilities. Max leaped off the back of the chair toward the door with the intent of flipping the bar at the apex of his free-fall? Now, I know a rational person would disbelieve either scenario, but who is rational when discovering they've been locked out of their room by a mini-kennel of canine midgets?

We tried several ways to release the bar with the tools we carry with us, but nothing worked. Rest assured that those door guards will stop a would-be intruder.

Hank discussed the problem with a very confused desk clerk who deferred the situation to the hotel manager. Via cell phone, Hank repeatedly explained our predicament to the proprietor who had a limited understanding of the English language. Finally the manager said, "Ahh, but that cannot happen." Hank assured him that it did and asked if there was some tool-of-the-trade that would open the door. "No, because that cannot happen," he replied. "We give you another room."

My husband pointed out that for many unpleasant reasons that wasn't a good solution. Finally, the manager asked for suggestions. "I can break into the room, but I'll have to damage the guard," Hank said. The manager agreed and apologised profusely for and event he didn't believe could happen and certainly one over which he had no control.

Using a cutting tool we had, Hank proceeded to gnaw through the metal bar. The dogs barked and raced around the room upon seeing their masters through the narrow opening around the door. Meanwhile, other guests returned and arrived for the evening. They watch curiously as we broke into a room in broad daylight. I was surprised no one called the police.

Once inside, we solved the mystery of how the door guard got engaged. The screws in the bracket that held the sideways "U" bar of the guard were loose causing the bar to move slightly toward the bolt with every vibration. A combination of guests banging their doors shut and the dogs jumping on our door when they heard someone outside caused enough movement in the bar that it eventually crept over the securing bolt. Hank pushing open the door was all it took to put us on the outside looking in. Our furry kids were absolved.

In the middle of that same night, a man used a ruse to try to get the guests in the room next to us to open their door and give him money. Would-be thieves targeted motels near the interstate at which to rob travelers who were fooled into opening doors for them. When we learned of the incident the next morning, it was unsettling to know that our security door guard had been mangled in our own break-in attempt.