My Bucket List

Some people wish to climb Mt. Everest or snorkel the Great Barrier Reef or have some other lofty goal that they will attain someday. I know I’ll never be able to afford to climb Everest or to even buy a plane ticket to Australia so my “bucket list” consists of less stupendous aims. Even so, working through the items is most likely going to take courage, stamina, and work since they appear on the list at all.

Someday I’m going to…

…stop smoking little, peach cigars. I started smoking and drinking beer when I played golf with the guys. I gave up the beer. It would have been healthier if I would have ditched the butts.

…have the small dents and scratches repaired on my car so that careless drivers have a “clean slate” of sorts. It’s more fun to nick a car with pristine paint.

…learn to pluck my eyebrows with my glasses on so that I can see how I end up with lopsided, almost nonexistent brows.

…learn to paint my fingernails so they don’t look like I used a roller to apply the color.

…have a makeover. I want to see if a makeup artist can paint me up to look like the models I see in magazines. I think they use spray guns.

…clean the walk-in closet that I can’t walk into. I know I’ll want something that’s in there someday so I don’t want to give away my high school wardrobe just yet.

…take an unopened bag of dog food that’s been in my garage for months to the Humane Society. It’s a good thing the doggies aren’t depending on me for nourishment daily.

…fill the spa with water. It’s been empty so long I don’t remember why I siphoned the water out. Maybe it was to save someone from drowning. I better check under the cover for a body first.

…wear underwear when I’m cleaning the house. I hate housework and for some reason going commando makes it bearable…or is it bareable? It’s also the waste of clean undies. I’m actually saving electricity, gas, soap, and water …my part in “going green.”

…get a hole-in-one when golfing. I’ve come close. When I get it, I’ll be quitting golf because the game will have gotten too easy for me.

…lose 30 pounds and reward myself with a convertible. My hairdresser said, “Why the 30 pounds? You can fit in a convertible now.” Dah!

…win more than $5 on a lottery ticket. I’ve scratched more than an elephant with hives. Surely, the clerk will accidentally give me a big winner one day.

…quit letting my five pound Yorkie boss me around. She barks her orders when she wants fed, to go outside, up on my lap, a tidbit from my plate, and to go to bed. If she’s tired, I’m to retire so she can go to her cage for the night. I sneak back downstairs when she’s sound asleep sometimes.

…make a list of all the valuable jewelry I have so when I’m dead the kids will know which pieces are worth fighting over.

…plant my decorative, outside flowers before June. How do you know that that frost was the last one? Don’t you have to wait until June to be sure it was?

…stop playing the Wall Street Survivor fantasy game and have the courage to invest real money. This is my Mt. Everest in regard to needing courage. Burying cash in a Mason jar in my backyard probably makes more sense.

…exercise every day for a whole week. I have this beautiful elliptical machine to use, but I hate to work hard walking and end up in the same room in which I started. Walking to the Dairy Queen is my idea of exercise.

…read a book explaining ice hockey. I need to know why the Pittsburgh Penguin players aren’t skating where I think they should be. And, isn’t “icing” the great stuff that goes on the top of cupcakes?

…schedule that colonoscopy I’m due to get. Last time I went I had an endoscopy, too. I made the nurse that called me a “double dipper” promise that the doctor wouldn’t use the same probe on both ends of my body. Hey, who knows what they do when you’re asleep.

…clean my car so Hubby quits writing his name in the dust on the dashboard.

Leave comment and tell me what’s on your bucket list. No fair listing lofty goals!

It's Badge Award Day!

I'm giving special badge awards today and you don't want one. The No Common-sense Badge is awarded to the following people. May they wear their badges with pride.

A kitchen fire destroyed a man's house and killed his pet. Now, a grease fire can happen to anyone so he doesn't get a badge for starting it. His badge was earned for frying fish for his soon to be 15-year-old, ailing dog. Fried fish for a sick dog? Everyone knows fish is healthier for you when it's baked. Hey, buddy, when the fire started why didn't you grab the dog before you fled? Here's your badge!

A bank and a convenience store were robbed in a nearby town. Both suspects were apprehended due to the efforts of observant bystanders. The bank robber was tackled by a father/son team of garbage collectors. The store perp was followed home by a gasoline customer who called the police. What caught the attention of the witnesses? Both men walked through the parking lot wearing a handkerchief over his mouth and nose. A flawed modus operandi to be sure. Here are your badges, guys!

Four men are playing golf - individual scoring, not a scramble. Each hits his drive off the tee. Then, both carts are driven to the nearest ball and everyone waits for several minutes until that player hits his ball. Then, it's on to the second, third, and fourth ball. Three players sitting, waiting for one to hit. Why does the hitter need three spectators? Do they remind him that he needs to hit again because he's forgotten during the ride over? Are they there for assistance for when he says, "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up"? Maybe they shout cheers and sing fight songs to psych him up. I've seen walking golfers do the same thing. Boys, have you heard the term "ready golf'"? Go find your respective balls (that usually takes several minutes), grab a club, and hit! The sign that read, "A round should take a maximum of 4 1/2 hours" was hung for you to read. Here are your badges!

Speaking of golfers.... An amateur player gets out of the cart, gazes toward the green, checks the ball's lie, surveys his club selection, chooses one, takes a few practices swings, puts it back in the bag, chooses another, takes a few practice swings, gazes some more, puts the club in the bag and gets the first one back out, gazes some more, takes 10 practices swings, then stands motionless over the ball for several seconds. Hit the #%^& thing, already! This is the same routine he follows on every shot and his putting routine is equally long. Later in the clubhouse he complains about how slow the play was on the course. Here's your badge!

Purses, wallets, phones, i-Pods, cameras, money, jewelry, and sports equipment are some of the items that people report stolen out of their unlocked cars and gym lockers. I'll give you victims a No Common-sense Badge, but you really deserve the Crown of Stupidity.