Ants, Bears, and Poopie Diapers

You know the adage that claims when you think you have it bad, others have it worse? Recently, my daughter called and asked me to babysit. While I was checking my calendar, I was complaining about having ants on my sun porch. My daughter retorted, "You have ants. I had a bear on my porch."

Earlier in the day she ran errands and returned to find a black bear wandering around her yard. She and the grand kids started screaming while still loaded in the van. She composed herself enough to yell at the neighbor who was in his yard. For some unknown reason, he started running toward the bear who stood watching the drama unfold. The neighbor came to his senses and retreated to his house where he summoned his teenagers and their friends. Everyone trooped outside to take pictures of the beast with cell phones. Still, with all this commotion, the bear merely moseyed around as if to say, "You people need to get a grip." Finally, the it ambled into the woods.

The kids were in a panic by the time they entered the house. My daughter reassured them that the bear was gone. To ease the tension, she suggested they make cookies from scratch. Not a tension buster she learned from her mother! Personally, baking with the help of 5 kids all under age 10 would be more traumatic than facing the bear eyeball-to-eyeball. They're all at the kitchen table having a great time making cookies when the bear, after lumbering up on the deck, appeared at the sliding glass door next to the table. Children scattered like cockroaches, screaming all the way. Now, I've heard these kids scream. The baby has a high pitched squeal that would de-calcify your spine with prolonged exposure. I'm convinced this bear is hearing impaired. The kids headed for the second floor and watched the animal descend the deck stairs and leap the picket fence from an ambling pace. My daughter phoned the police who directed her to the game warden. He listened to the tale and replied, "You invaded his territory."

"He was on my porch! I wasn't on his," she answered. The warden stated that there was nothing he could do. He advised that she keep her garbage cans indoors until the last minute on collection day. She explained that it contained only a bag of poopie diapers.

"Oh, those will bring bears every time," he said. Now here is where I get confused. Why do poopie diapers attract bears? Should a hunter plant a pile in the woods or wear some around his neck as a lure? My daughter suggests that poop means someone's eaten and eating requires food. Therefore, zero in on the stench and you'll find food. This logic from a woman who thinks that baking cookies with a horde of children is calming. The warden did make another suggestion - put rags soaked in ammonia everywhere they didn't want the bear to go. She decided to put one in the garbage can outside. I can only imagine how a nose full of ammonia and stinky diapers at 5 AM would affect the rest of the collector's day. I thought a warning note was appropriate.

Bedtime was tricky. The kids had a solution. Since their father (an avid hunter who was sorry he missed the events) was away on business, all 5 of them would sleep in one bed. My daughter was to keep her cell phone, a mace container, and a gun handy. She opted for the phone and the mace. Nixing the gun because she sensed that with a whole night in one bed with four restless kids may make her trigger happy before daybreak. For added protection dish rags were placed at the front and back doors - soaked in ammonia, of course. Makes me glad I live 45 minutes away.