It's Badge Award Day!

I'm giving special badge awards today and you don't want one. The No Common-sense Badge is awarded to the following people. May they wear their badges with pride.

A kitchen fire destroyed a man's house and killed his pet. Now, a grease fire can happen to anyone so he doesn't get a badge for starting it. His badge was earned for frying fish for his soon to be 15-year-old, ailing dog. Fried fish for a sick dog? Everyone knows fish is healthier for you when it's baked. Hey, buddy, when the fire started why didn't you grab the dog before you fled? Here's your badge!

A bank and a convenience store were robbed in a nearby town. Both suspects were apprehended due to the efforts of observant bystanders. The bank robber was tackled by a father/son team of garbage collectors. The store perp was followed home by a gasoline customer who called the police. What caught the attention of the witnesses? Both men walked through the parking lot wearing a handkerchief over his mouth and nose. A flawed modus operandi to be sure. Here are your badges, guys!

Four men are playing golf - individual scoring, not a scramble. Each hits his drive off the tee. Then, both carts are driven to the nearest ball and everyone waits for several minutes until that player hits his ball. Then, it's on to the second, third, and fourth ball. Three players sitting, waiting for one to hit. Why does the hitter need three spectators? Do they remind him that he needs to hit again because he's forgotten during the ride over? Are they there for assistance for when he says, "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up"? Maybe they shout cheers and sing fight songs to psych him up. I've seen walking golfers do the same thing. Boys, have you heard the term "ready golf'"? Go find your respective balls (that usually takes several minutes), grab a club, and hit! The sign that read, "A round should take a maximum of 4 1/2 hours" was hung for you to read. Here are your badges!

Speaking of golfers.... An amateur player gets out of the cart, gazes toward the green, checks the ball's lie, surveys his club selection, chooses one, takes a few practices swings, puts it back in the bag, chooses another, takes a few practice swings, gazes some more, puts the club in the bag and gets the first one back out, gazes some more, takes 10 practices swings, then stands motionless over the ball for several seconds. Hit the #%^& thing, already! This is the same routine he follows on every shot and his putting routine is equally long. Later in the clubhouse he complains about how slow the play was on the course. Here's your badge!

Purses, wallets, phones, i-Pods, cameras, money, jewelry, and sports equipment are some of the items that people report stolen out of their unlocked cars and gym lockers. I'll give you victims a No Common-sense Badge, but you really deserve the Crown of Stupidity.